on love: when the words don't form but there's a painful need to speak

I find myself disallowing myself to connect to the names, faces, experiences and connecting thread of the dead, dying and in danger and doing so in the name of walking in and observing peace. How do I allow myself to feel what comes naturally and continue to walk in and observe peace and love?

The brutal murders and subsequent dismissal of state and vigilante violence against me and my community has created a trauma that I have refused to let myself feel. Forgetting that I can only be healed from pain or injury that I allow myself to feel.

While scrolling through my instagram feed, I came across a hashtag that read, #saytheirnames. It hit me, all at once. I thought on them, I wrote them down, I whispered their names aloud. I reminded myself that these names are people of whom folks have fond memories. They are young and old, right and wrong...they have lives and experiences that people remember -- years of life connected to their existence, now forever a memory of violence tolerated and perpetrated by elected, appointed and entrusted offices.

It's enough to drive a person to insanity, enragement and all too often, inaction -- none of which I'd like to inhabit. How do I allow myself to feel fury because of these murders and continue to be motivated by love? In moments of stillness, I find myself disappointed in myself. How can I effectively organize and motivate and develop leaders as I grapple with this inability and hesitance to connect?

Currently, rebuilding my understanding of love and allowing myself to be motivated by a passion to work towards the just and equitable world society that I believe to be the perfect will of God. Asserting that love is a word of action -- loving too much to allow strategic and long-standing violence against blackness to persist. Prioritizing the values of community, peace and freedom in the face of tragedy and trauma that exists around me -- led by dreams and vision of stronger communities, families and individuals.

::reminding myself::
"choosing love we also choose to live in community, and that means we do not have to change by ourselves...The moment we choose to love we begin to move against domination, against oppression. The moment we choose to love we begin to move towards freedom"
                                                                                                 - bell hooks